Local Raccoon Thinks He’s Entitled to Garbage. Ben Shapiro Owns his Vermin Soul.

Abe Gaustad
2 min readApr 19, 2018
Worse than Hillary?

Ben Shapiro ran into a nanny-state dependent raccoon behind his suburban home on Thursday, and young conservatives will be quoting his pithy response to their own backyard pests for years to come.

“So I’m out back and I see this raccoon gnawing on a discarded carton of Muscle Milk and it’s like the Obama presidency has invaded my own domain,” Ben said. “I admit it: I got angry.”

But what happened next will change conservatism forever. Ben made eye contact with the creature, who continued to absently chew on the refuse of the young star-child of the right. Utterly unafraid, Shapiro took a step towards his ideological foe, very nearly towering over him.

“Socialists don’t understand personal responsibility. Why are you trash pandas always stealing from me when you should be home making sure the mother of your children doesn’t eat the entire litter?”

The slap-down was too much, and the raccoon scurried away empty-handed AND empty-headed.

On his radio program, Shapiro broke down the interaction. “We can’t let people like this take over. First it’s just your fish skeletons. But then it’s your Salvatore Ferragamo’s with two inch lifts. We have to be rude. We can’t be nice to them.”

Shapiro continued (Trigger warning for libs): “Whatever you call them — masked rats, ring-tailed bandits, Tennessee sirloin — their culture is disgusting. They root around in garbage. They are animals — kind of like Arabs.”

His legion of online fans reacted swiftly, creating memes of socialist raccoons consuming their own children on Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s naked chest. Others attempted to track down the badly humiliated raccoon, but death threats were mistakenly routed to several Hispanic community centers and mosques.

“This is what winning looks like,” Shapiro said.