Alex Jones to Open Restaurant for Cannibals in Austin

“Vanilla goes really well with human flesh,” Alex Jones said. “In fact, vanilla isn’t just a flavor. It’s a texture, a mouthfeel and a secret weapon. Vanilla is the perfect addition to human flesh. A perfect match.”

We met up with Jones last week, just as plans for his new restaurant were unveiled.

In the past, Jones had criticized cannibals on his radio program. But under the stress of a worldwide pandemic, his views have changed. In a much-discussed tirade, Jones confessed to an emerging desire to consume his neighbors. His announcement was just one example of the sudden collision between food and politics in American culture.

Jones jumped headlong into the political-culinary fray when he pledged to make former senator Al Franken “a steak sandwich for his entire life.” We asked Jones a few questions about his new eatery, Corpse Palace, set for a 2021 debut in Austin.

Why did you name your restaurant Corpse Palace?

At first I was going to name it “The Dungeon” as a homage to the Art Nouveau living room interiors of the 1920s, but someone else suggested that the name didn’t reference horror, but rather the problem of hiding in plain sight. Before that name I had only called it the Art Deco-fied Golden Corral, which suggested an unappetizing literal view. We settled on Corpse Palace because it just rolls off the tongue.

What are the best and worst parts of the human body when it comes to cooking?

I would say the legs are the hardest, hands are usually the easiest, head is difficult, but very satisfying, and the forearm is probably the most satisfying of all the limbs. You just put it on a spit and he’s ready to be a roast. The difficult parts are the joints in the neck and the jaw. We have a machine where a huge knife is pushed down in your mouth and you just try to move it out. Good luck!

As far as the meat goes, you will be able to eat all the food you desire while still recognizing it.

Where do you get the human flesh that you use in your restaurant?

For quality flesh, I look to my neighbors. But you have to know which neighbor and whom to hang and gut. They may not be the tastiest people, but at least they’re home. I just earn their confidence and then gently punch them in the side of the head, drag them to my basement and ruin their credit, too.

What are some of your signature human flesh dishes here at Corpse Palace?

My personal favorite is a beefy stew from the ghost towns of a little county in Oklahoma. It’s a human stew. Lots of fermented things are used in that stew, and it smells of death and decay. It’s a good appetizer.

Some of our most exciting dishes are Cannibal Fried Pickles, Hump Chops, White Meat Cups, Braised Noses with Pistachios, Salty Lucy, and the Jamaican Jerk ’N’ Schnitzel.

Do I want to know what’s in the Cannibal Fried Pickles?

You do not.

Do you have an age limit for the customers?

We do not want anyone under 18 who is not hardcore about eating human flesh.

What do you say to the globalists who criticize you for becoming a cannibal?

I’m a foodie, I’m takin’ it easy. I’m giving them a chance to eat themselves. I want them to be like the “Doomed Dwarf” In The Wizard of Oz. I want them to take the initiative. So I’m doing a little bit of enjoying being a cannibal, and I’m looking forward to a fresh cut-down on Thanksgiving. It’s those sick-as-hell, macho ass human-food roots that I love so much.

Thank you so much for your time!

You’re quite welcome.

Before we left, Jones was kind enough to share his recipe for Human Flesh Fajitas. We hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

Human Flesh Fajitas

Equipment: 1 highball glass, 1 large Dutch oven. Prep time: 20 min./Cook time: 25 min.

Canned, lab-grown jalapeno peppers.
1 pound organic human flesh
2 cloves garlic
1 small can of tomatoes
1 cup of high-acid orange juice
1/4 cup of vermouth
1 small onion, minced

Cook jalapenos for about 2–3 minutes, or until mushy. Set aside. Place 1 lb of organic human flesh in a large Dutch oven. Gently cover with cooking oil. Add in the 2 cloves of garlic. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until the onions have started to brown, about 5–7 minutes. Add the jalapenos, tomatoes, and orange juice. Drink the vermouth and tell yourself that you’re a GOD-MAN and that it isn’t a crime for a GOD-MAN to consume his neighbors. Smash the highball glass on your marble counter top and use a shard to make a two-inch gash in your arm. If the blood runs red, you are human, and it’s ready. Serve on warm tortillas with a side of rice.

Serves: 1 GOD-MAN and 3–5 of his LORD-CHILDREN.